Top 10 Movies of 2010
I wanted to put to put this list together before the year ended, but a combination of travel, school, getting drunk as fuck with friends, and family shit got in the way. Now that I’m back in my apartment, I’ve finally reached “bored as fuck” status so I can finally type this stuff out. I swore I wouldn’t do an ‘honourable mention’ choice, but I’m really pissed at myself for leaving 127 Hours off this list, so I’ll just leave it at that. I also have yet to see Blue Valentine, but fuck it, it’s taking too long to get here. I don’t give any star ratings, but I’d say everything from 1-8 would be a four star film if I was a professional critic. I was also gonna write a big explanation about why I chose each film, but that would be boring for everyone, and no one really gives much of a shit about what I think. Anyways, here’s my top ten movies of 2010:
10. The Town (Ben Affleck)
9. Get Him to the Greek (Nicholas Stoller)
8. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)
7. True Grit (Joel Coen, Ethan Coen)
6. Black Swan (Darren Aronofsky)
5. The Fighter (David O. Russell)
4. Greenberg (Noah Baumbach)
3. The Social Network (David Fincher)
2. Inception (Christopher Nolan)
1. The Ghost Writer (Roman Polanski)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Dialogue
Over the past few months, I’ve been reading Syd Field’s book Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting off and on. This novel is considered to be the bible of screenwriting and is considered required reading for just about anyone interested in filmmaking. If I were ever to write a screenplay, novella, or a one act play, one element that I think I’d have a fairly good handle on is writing dialogue. Particularly if I was writing for characters who are assholes. After all, I deal with them all day. Here’s some recent examples of conversations I’ve had with people that really got me pissed off to the point where I had to write about a blog about it.
People who turn everything into a competition
These people are the worst. I can only think of one place where you could find a more annoying person–a Kings of Leon concert. I’m not saying competition is a bad thing, but I’m speaking more specifically about times when you are just making general conversation and the other person decides to prove they are a superior being by saying something completely unecessary. Example:
Me: I’m really tired today. I had to wake up at 7.
Asshole: 7? What are you some kind of fucking pussy*? I had to wake up at 6:30! That’s a lot worse than 7. You should stop being such a pussy and start wondering how tired I am, faggot!
*- They’ll use just about any insult in this situation–asshole, douchebag, cocksucker etc., but I find pussy works best because usually when dealing with lack of sleep, the other person usually pictures you as female genitalia.
This is stupid for obvious reasons. First of all, I was just pointing out that I was tired, and I assume a lot of other people are tired. It’s not like I was seeking the gold medal for exhaustion. Secondly, 7 o’clock is fairly early for most people, and it’s not like I gained a whole lot in that half hour. Thirdly, how does he know when I fell asleep? Perhaps I was doing what I usually do on weeknights, getting obnoxiously drunk and slapping my dick in the face of four hot girls until 5 in the morning. Of course, this applies to more things than just sleep deprivation, people will turn anything into a competition.
People who are too sensitive for complaints
These are the type of people who after you make a point on a sensitive subject they have nothing better to add in their defense of that subject, so they say something completely irrelevant, as if they are the superior human.
Me: I’m not a big fan of the new Twitter design. What’s with all the shit on the sides?
Douche: You’re right. The new Twitter isn’t that great. In other news, there was a tsunami in Indonesia, millions of people in the world are starving, and Prime Minister Harper is a retard. Isn’t this what we should be focusing on?
So either the douchebag is in love with Twitter so much that he can’t take a small amount of criticism, or his mind is actually on some sort of non-stop charitable mission where he reads to the blind, feeds the hungry and rescues endangered animals. My advice to him is that he should kick his own ass.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: assholes, conversations, dialogue, douchebags, stupid people
You’ve probably heard of the new movie The Social Network. You may not know the whole back story, but you at least know it’s about Facebook. When it was first announced, everybody thought The Facebook Movie was the dumbest fucking idea ever. Who the hell wants to see a movie about a bunch of stupid kids commenting on photos of hot girls and liking each others statuses?
Then Aaron Sorkin (A Few Good Men, The West Wing) came on board to write the screenplay and that got people excited. Then David Fincher (Fight Club, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) came on board to direct and people got really excited. Now the first reviews have trickled out on Rotten Tomatoes and people are calling it a masterpiece, with comparisons ranging from Citizen Kane to The Godfather. It could even win Best Picture at the Oscars.
So now with all of this success, the only thing to do now is to make a sequel. We’ve already done one Social Network, why not do another? Everyone knows Twitter based it’s entire site on the Facebook status, so why not give it a movie of it’s own? I’ll even write the screenplay myself. Here’s a sample:
FADE IN:
INT. EVAN’S APARTMENT
Some bullshit indie song plays in the background as we see the inside of the apartment. The room is filled with empty beer bottles, open condom packages, and three guys. EVAN WILLIAMS is sitting in a computer chair in front of his laptop, BIZ STONE is lying down on the couch near the computer, and JACK DORSEY is pacing back and forth behind Evan. All three of them are noticeably drunk and sweaty from an intense brainstorming session.
EVAN
You know, I’m really into this Facebook shit
BIZ
Me too. The only thing I have a problem with is the status option. Why does it have to be so long? Everyone knows that everything is better when it’s limited to 140 characters.
JACK
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
BIZ
Yes I am! Let’s go get some cocaine and groupies to celebrate!
FADE OUT
The formula put out by The Social Network is unstoppable, and shouldn’t be limited to just one movie. I’ll also probably include a scene in which I randomly have a threesome, just because.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: The Social Network, Twitter
The News
If you’re one of my loyal 42 Twitter followers you might know that I drunkenly announced last night that I have some news, so here it is.
The purpose of creating this blog was to stay in touch with my Journalism roots, even though I’m studying Political Science now. I figured I have this diploma, so I might as well do something with it, even if I’m not making money.
Then I started it out, and it was going well, but I couldn’t balance my love of sportswriting with random blogs where I’d reference my penis. It didn’t really fit together, but now I’ve been given the opportunity to write on another Sports blog fulltime.
Yep, I’ve been added as a contributer to the blog That’s what I’m saying guy…, which is run my old college friend Jeremy Visser. His site gets a lot more traffic and I’ll be able to write seriously. Jeremy’s main focus is on basketball and baseball, and I’m more of a football and hockey guy, so it’s a good match. He’s also added some other writers, including my old college friend and roommate Mark Wierzbicki. You can read about all the changes here.
I’ll still be writing about things here, though. I’m hoping to shift my focus more to movies, which is what I originally intended to do anyways. I might make the occaisonal sports post here, likely in rant form. If I want to call LeBron James a fucking idiot, I’ll probably do it here.
Anyways, I’ll be posting all of the links to stories I write on my Twitter, but the easiest way to follow things is to become a fan on Facebook.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: Blogs, Jeremy Visser, LeBron James, Sports
NFL Week One
First order of business: I’d like to announce my summer long blogging hiatus is finished. I’d like to make an excuse for it, like that I was really busy with work or that I was backpacking across Europe this summer, but the truth is I was just really lazy and I didn’t have any good ideas. Truthfully, I’m still really lazy, and I still don’t really have a lot of good ideas, so I’m just gonna force one out with some observations from all the football I watched yesterday.
For some reason, the game I found myself watching was the Lions vs. Bears, and I’m glad I did because it turned out to be the most fascinating one. First of all, I feel terrible that Matthew Stafford is injured because it seemed like this could be a breakthrough year for the Lions and this is a huge setback. Their defense looks like it could be special (that goal line stand was particularly impressive) but they’ll need a QB better than Shaun Hill if they want to improve.
Secondly, everyone who watched this game knows that call at the end of the game was horseshit. I’m not one for ripping into the refs, but that was a horrible call that cost the Lions the game. The most reasonable point offered up in defense of this play was by Tony Dungy on NBC later on that night. Why was Lance Moore’s two point conversion allowed in the Super Bowl and not this play?
Secondly, I expected Tim Tebow to be shit, but that was more of an uneventful debut instead of an unproductive one, with Tebow picking up 2 yards on 2 carries, even though Josh McDaniels said Tebow would be an involved member of the offense. If this was Twitter, I’d use the hashtag #joshmcdanielsisadouchebag.
Thirdly, I watched a bit of the Eagles vs. Packers and I was reminded why Michael Vick was one of my favourite players before he became a lunatic. He’ll never be a great passer, but he makes the game more exciting. Am I rooting for him right now? Yes.
Tonight there are two games of interest for me. In the early game I get to weep a little bit when I see LaDainian Tomlinson wearing a non-Charger uniform for the first time. Then I’ll remember that he was kind of a dick during the off-season, and that I hate Rex Ryan, so I can no longer root for the Jets like I originally planned. Then my Chargers kick off what will probably be yet another disappointing season against the Chiefs, but of course, my hopes are high as always.
And there it is, my return to blogging. Now I think I’ll return to looking at pictures of the hot girl from the movie Kick-Ass, which I watched last night.
Lyndsy Fonseca
Filed under: NFL, San Diego Chargers | Leave a Comment
Tags: Chicago Bears, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, LaDainian Tomlinson, Lyndsy Fonseca, New York Jets, NFL, San Diego Chargers, Tim Tebow
Perfect women who don’t exist
You knew I had to follow my homosexuality blog with something more hetero. I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason why women aren’t interested in me has nothing to do with my physical unnatractiveness, poor personal hygeine, or my generally annoying behaviour. It’s actually due to my own unrealistic expectation I have in regards to women, thanks to many different fairly recent films I have watched.
For example, in the 2009 film (500) Days of Summer, the two main leads, played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel meet for the first time in an elevator (pictured below). Instead of discussing the new Twilight movie, Drake, or Sex and the City, Zooey’s character seems intrigued by the fact she can hear ’80′s British rock band The Smiths coming from Levitt’s character’s headphones.
Great! Where do a meet a woman who looks like that and likes The Smiths? I love The Smiths! Yet, I get the feeling if I go to a party this weekend and ask a girl if she likes any of Morrissey’s solo work she’ll go find some guy to talk about the new Lil Wayne single. If you look like this and like The Smiths, my contact information is somewhere on this page, and we can get together and talk about why I prefer Strangeways, Here We Come to The Queen is Dead.
There’s other offenders when it comes to music, too. I’m looking at you Garden State. In a similar scene, Zach Braff’s character meets his love interest, played by Natalie Portman, who shows him her favourite song by the indie band The Shins. They’re a pretty decent band that I occaisonally listen to.
I’m not done here, either. The cult comedy classic Office Space is just as guilty. Here’s an exact quotation from the movie, showing me how I should pick up women:
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch ‘Kung Fu’. Do you ever watch ‘Kung Fu’?
Joanna: I love ‘Kung Fu’.
The only problem with Joanna’s character is that she bares a striking resemblance to Jennifer Aniston. In fact, she happens to be played by Jennifer Aniston. I have a feeling that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t watch Kung Fu.
So while I did enjoy all three of these movies, I’ve begun to realize they may have done harm to me then good. I will now listen to Meat is Murder while trying to find as much Kung Fu as possible to use it as a conversational tool then next time I meet a woman.
Filed under: Movies | Leave a Comment
Tags: 500 Days of Summer, Garden State, Jennifer Aniston, kung Fu, Natalie Portman, Office Space, The Shins, The Smiths, Zooey Deschanel
Things that make me gay
I should probably start off by saying that first of all, I am a heterosexual man. I should also say that I have nothing against gay people and I’m a full supporter of gay rights such as marriage. But believe me, there are few that appreciate the female figure as much as I do. But that doesn’t stop me from appreciating some of the finer things in life that are usually only affiliated with a homosexual lifestyle. If you had never met me before, and I told you I liked these things, you might just think I’m a full fledged faggot, even though I can ensure you I do not have sex with men.
The first thing we’ll talk about is music, because as most of you know, nothing makes you more faggy than the type of sounds you enjoy being transmitted into your ears. When looking at my iTunes collection, you may be surprised at some of the choices. Firstly, I should say I have 12,411 songs as of this moment. I’m not bragging or anything, nor am I claiming any records, but I can say that I listen to a wide, diverse list in music, covering many genres.
The second album in this alphabeticized iTunes library is the Greatest Hits album from the 90s Pop/Dance group Ace of Base. Yes, that Ace of Base. The one who released classic songs such as “The Sign” and “Beautiful Life.” Why do I have this list you might ask? Because it’s simply amazing is the answer. I was introduced to this group with The Sign was a hit all the way back in ’93, and I rediscovered them in them somewhere in the 2000s. I’ve put this album on at many different parties and everyone had a blast.
And now flash forward to 2010, and I have another confession to make. I have really got into Lady Gaga over the past month. In fact, I came up with the concept for this blog while listening to The Fame Monster. I really didn’t see it coming, but I’m hooked, and I haven’t felt this kind of vibe from a pop record since my resurgance in Ace of Base a few years.
Now this is the part where this blog becomes a bit gayer. The other thing that I want to talk about here is my attraction to men. Now I don’t mean that everytime I look a man I get an erection, but unlike most guys, I’m not afraid to point out when someone is good looking. Am I really supposed to think that only women can be attractive? I’ve known a lot of women in my life, and I think I can generally figure out what they are looking for when it comes to looks. (HINT: it’s not me)
But then again, maybe not. I can use celebrities as examples. For instance, Leonardo Dicaprio, Christian Bale, Jake Gyllenhaal: all good lookng dudes in my opinion. And yet, People Magazine’s annual “Sexiest Man Alive” feature is most famous for awarding Mel Gibson. Really? Mel Gibson? If there was ever a normal looking person, it’s him. In fact, I was watching the movie Grandma’s Boy recently, and I couldn’t help but see the similarities between Mel and Allen Covert, a guy who is famous for being in Adam Sandler movies.
Guy who is famous for being in Adam Sandler movies
Sexiest Man Alive
Eventually I researched this further, and it turns out Gibson was actually named Sexiest Man Alive all the way back in 1985 (the first person to receive this honour), and he was 29 at the time, so perhaps I am wrong on this issue. What is really shocking is that Nick Nolte was the winner in the 1992 edition. I’ll leave you with Nolte’s mugshot, and then I think it would be an appropriate time to end this somewhat homophobic, yet very homosexual rant.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: Ace of Base, Allen Covert, faggots, homosexuality, Lady Gaga, Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte, Sexiest Man Alive
Movies I’ve Seen Lately
One of my original plans for this blog was to have many movie reviews and after previously looking at Shutter Island and The Ghost Writer I kinda slacked off. I should really get back to it though, because for some reason my Shutter Island review usually gets a good amount of hits still, even though it’s nearing a DVD release. And for some reason, my Ghost Writer review doesn’t get any hits, even though it’s been my favourite movie of the year.
Anyways, I was at the movies a lot this month, so I’ve decided I’ll just review all of them in a single post.
Yea, I laughed
A Nightmare on Elm Street (Samuel Bayer, 2010)
I was a bit disappointed in this one, but it’s still better than 90 percent of horror remakes these days. I should have known it would suck immediately when the opening credits rolled and the words “Produced by Michael Bay” came onto the screen. That guy might be the worst person in the world. It also breaks the first rule of horror filmmaking: there was no nudity in it. Haven’t these guys taken any film classes, or classes on horror specifically? Everyone knows sexually is one of the most important parts of a horror film. I guess it had some scary scenes, though.
Greenberg (Noah Baumbach, 2010)
I had high hopes for this one because I am a huge fan of Baumbach’s The Squid and the Whale. I would say this one is pretty good, but it’s not for everyone. There is absolutely no plot in this movie, and it is literally about the title character Greenberg (Ben Stiller) being an absolutely horrible human being. I guess that’s why I liked this one.
Iron Man 2 (Jon Favreau, 2010)
I love Iron Man as a comic book hero, but I wasn’t as high on the first movie as some people were. But now, I fully blame myself for missing out on the first on in theatres, because I had a blast at this one. Or maybe I was just distracted by Scarlett Johansson’s outfit. I thought Sam Rockwell particularly stood out from the supporting cast, but he stands out in just about every cast.
Robin Hood (Ridley Scott, 2010)
This movie was shat on by just about every critic, so my expectations were lowered going into it. I guess I didn’t hate it as much as they did, but the entire time I was just distracted by how much of a douche bag Russell Crowe probably is in real life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a single person who actually gets along with this guy
MacGruber (Jorma Taccone, 2010)
There’s little point in me reviewing this movie, because A) most people probably decided beforehand whether or not this movie was for them, and B) it tanked at the box office.
But I don’t give a shit. If this is your type of humour, this movie is perfect for you. Who doesn’t wanna see a movie where the man character runs around with a piece of celery shoved in his ass? I know I would.
When You’re Strange (Tom DiCillo, 2009)
This is a documentary narrated by Johnny Depp about the band “The Doors.” I’ve done a lot of research on The Doors, as they are perhaps my favourite classic rock band. I’ve read books, articles, and of course seen Oliver Stone’s The Doors. And yet, I always seem to find out something new about this band. Go see it if your a Doors fan.
Filed under: Movies | Leave a Comment
Tags: A Nightmare on Elm Street, Ben Stiller, Greenberg, Iron Man 2, MacGruber, Robin Hood, Russell Crowe, Sam Rockwell, Scarlett Johansson, When You're Strange
My encounter with a crazy person
EDIT 1: Almost immediately after the long weekend ended, I received a call from the manager of The Beer Store. We spoke for about 10 minutes and apologized for the service I received. The phone call was very professional, and while the matter seems like it will still be resolved at the store, I’m certainly pleased and am ready to move on from this.
The events that took place on May 22nd, 2010 can be traced all the way back to August, 2010. At this time, my drivers license was set to expire in 4 months time, and I decided it was finally time to book my final test, also known as the “G Test” for late August, before I went back to school. Unfortunately, two days before my scheduled test, the workers for the Ontario Ministry of Transportation decided to go on strike, thus cancelling my scheduled test in late August. This strike was not resolved until late December, 2009.
The biggest question regarding my expired drivers license was regarding it’s status as identification. Luckily, after the strike was resolved, the Ministry noted on its website that any licenses that were expired at this time would be automatically extended until July 1st, 2010. Five and a half months went by, and there were no major problems, until May 22nd, 2010. I continued to purchase beer and drive my car around at this time because of this law.
But then, after an invitation to my friend Kyle’s place to get intoxicated, I decided to make a quick stop at The Beer Store. After decided on a 12 pack of Carling, I did the usual routine of handing my ID to the cashier before handing over my cash. The conversation went something like this:
- Cashier: “Your license is expired”
- Me: “Yeah, I know”
- Cashier: “I won’t be able to serve you”
- Me: “No, no, they went on strike when my license expired. I have until July 1st to renew it.”
- Cashier: “No, that’s not true”
This cashier (who was really stupid) began to argue with me about the state of my identification. I wasn’t completely shocked by this, I actually kinda expected this to happen a lot earlier into this expiration period, but I tried to explain to her the situation. I explained that I had been using this ID for a span of 5 months to do things such as drive, and purchase alcohol (as I had at this very Beer Store location just 24 hours before) Being stubborn, she decided to call on her manager, who ultimately repeated what the cashier said, albeit more calmly, and tried to reason with me. I finally decided to give up.
EDIT 2: After speaking to the actual manager on the phone, it turns out that the “manager” that spoke to me at the store was actually an imposter.
Then, instead of trying a different Beer Store or LCBO, I decided to go home, print off the official statement from the Ministry of Transportation’s website, and grab my passport as backup identification which would officially prove me as someone who was over the age of 19. The statement on the website reads “This extension will remain in effect until at least July 1, 2010. You may continue to drive using your expired license while this extension is in effect. You should complete your required testing before July 1, 2010, but it is not necessary for you to do so right away.” When I returned to The Beer Store, this was the following conversation, with the same crazy cashier from the first time around:
- Me: “The crazy guy is back” [joking]
- Crazy Cashier: “We’re still not going to serve you”
- Me: “I brought my passport this time. I would still like to speak to your manager” [I flash the paperwork in my hand]
Now, this crazy person did not call on the manager, instead trying to win this battle herself. I showed her the statement from the minstry of transportation. She stubbornly refused the fact that I still had a valid license. Then things got really crazy.
- Cashier: “If you do not leave right now, I’m going to call the police on you. Even though you have your passport, I will not serve you right now because you have been entirely confrontational throughout this”
Really? The police? What are they going to arrest me for? For having a valid license? For being of legal drinking age in the province of Ontario? For those of you who do not know me personally, most people consider me a very mild mannered person. Most would describe me as someone who is “monotone” and even in an argument I barely raise my voice. While I was angry, I did not make a scene and was very respectful. Nevertheless, I drove to the LCBO afterwards.
At the LCBO, I decided to approach their customer service section to ask them what their policy was on licenses that expired during the strike. They explained to me that they could not serve people whose ID’s had expired because their was a possibility they could pass these expired ID’s off to people who were underage. Finally, a reasonable, professional answer to this problem. I used my passport to purchase some tallcans of Bavaria, and had a great fucking time at my friend Kyle’s house.
However, this situation has ultimately had a great effect on me. For the first time in my entire life, I am writing a letter of complaint to someone, and unfortunately it’s directed towards The Beer Store, a place where I have experienced great customer service over the years, and obviously will still be a customer at in the future. But, I feel as if they embarassed me unecessarily, and an apology is in order. Resolving this matter would make it much easier to get drunk and forget all of the other problems I currently have.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Fire Glenn Healy
Feel free to consider this post as the second part to yesterday’s post on what’s ruining television. While yesterday focused on an entire network, this time we’ll look at an individual.
If you’re familiar with Hockey Night in Canada, then you are familiar with it’s moronic colour commentator Glenn Healy. It’s funny, because you watch hockey on TSN, and you think thing’s can’t get any worse with Pierre McGuire. Then you switch over to CBC, and you start hearing Healy’s nonesense. The thing about McGuire, is that while he may be an idiot, he can actually be quite entertaining from time to time. Healy isn’t entertaining, he’s just angry every day. I’m not sure what he’s so mad about, but maybe it has to do with the fact he was a mediocre goalie in his day.
For those of you who don’t know, the CBC is a crown corporation, meaning our tax dollars are paying the network, and Healy’s salary. I don’t normally have a problem with Canadian crown corporation’s, but Healy’s continuous employment is making me re-think that stance. When it was announced that Healy would be leaving TSN to work for the NHLPA, it was the happiest day of my life. And then once I heard him on CBC, I was back to being miserable. In fact, I pretty much avoided Hockey Night In Canada all season long until the playoffs.
Here’s an example of the madness that comes out of Healy’s mouth on an every game basis. Yesterday, in game 2 between Montreal and Philadelphia, in which the Flyers led both the series and the game 1-0, a Montreal player was called on a penalty. Healy said something along the lines of “This is the series right here.” That’s correct, by scoring on the powerplay the Flyers became the first team in NHL to win a best of seven series in a game and a half.
My memory isn’t even that great, but I can remember two things that stuck out during Healy’s time on TSN. First he said that the reason why the Leafs had been struggling at home was because they played in a multi-purpose venue that included Raptors games and concerts. Then, while showing that Andrew Raycroft was close to breaking the Leafs record for wins in a single season, Healy proclaimed Raycroft was close to being “the best ever” not taking into account the amount of games Raycroft had played that season or the effect of the shootout, which eliminated ties from a goalie’s Win Loss record. The Leafs would go onto miss the playoffs, with many blaming Raycroft’s inconsistent goaltending.
I know I am not the only one who feels this way. If you are an outraged Canadian taxpayer like I am, and demand to hear better colour commentary on Hockey Night in Canada, feel free to start the revolution in the comments section.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments
